Why it sucks to find out you have ADHD: reason #2

If you have been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, chances are it’s because there are things you struggle with. Of course, the positive side is that the understanding that ADHD is a cause or at least a factor in these difficulties allows you to manage this more deliberately. However, many newly (and sometimes not-so-newly) diagnosed adults also experience a sense of grief and sadness. 

In these two posts I explore these feelings, because sometimes understanding in and of itself is helpful. There are two blogs because there are two main reasons adults feel grief, anger and/or sadness about the diagnosis. One is about the past, and one about the future and most of my clients experience them at some point after being diagnosed. 

This post is about the future (and you can read the other one about the past here):

Oh f*** - this is forever?!

The other response you may be experiencing is the realisation that what you thought was a problem is actually a predicament. 

A problem is a finite thing to be solved - solve it and then it will go away. 

A predicament is a situation in which you find yourself that needs tools and strategies to be managed. From now until forever. For example, poor eyesight is a predicament, rather than a problem. It can be managed with glasses or contacts or accessibility tools, and can appear to be resolved, but it requires using the tools every day.

Getting an ADHD diagnosis means you find yourself in a predicament. There is no single or easy solution to make everything ‘normal’ or ‘like how it works for everyone else’ (what is normal anyway?!). It will require tools and strategies to manage, and they are likely to require regular reviews, reminders and updates. It’s going to be a thing that requires attention (yes, I can see the irony) from now on. And this can feel impossible and overwhelming.  

So this type of grief is the grief for a potential future. For the ‘normal’, effortless life that other people have (or that’s how it looks anyway). The life that you always assumed you’d have once you would really put your mind to ‘trying harder’, or being ‘less lazy’, or ‘more motivated’ (the list can go on but it stays in this vein). 

For some of my newly diagnosed clients, the realisation you have something that can be managed, but will not go away, is really hard. In part, it’s the realisation that ‘normal’ will probably always cost more bandwidth than for neurotypical people. That this is not something you will grow out of, or that the next job/partner/career will ‘fix’ because then suddenly it will all fall into place.  And really, it’s completely understandable that this sucks. 

So now what?

Before you race off to manage this new predicament, I’d recommend allowing yourself the kindness of some space for this pain, sadness, anger, or any of the other valid feelings you are having. You may also want to read my other post, Why it sucks to find out you have ADHD: reason #1. Be good to yourself, look after yourself and allow yourself the space and the grace to grieve. It causes real grief, losing a future you thought you’d have. So allow yourself that. 

Then of course, the task of managing your predicament awaits you. If you like, and feel ready, have a read my series about the upsides of diagnosis. It’s actually quite fabulous to know what you are dealing with. You will find that you already have a bunch of strategies in place. You may not be able to go back in time, but you are in a much better place to make your life work how you want it to than before. 

And if you feel like you’re doing this by yourself, or trying to figure it all out by yourself, you don’t need to. Contact me for a free consultation.